Japanese language lessons

Last week I started my japanese langauage lessons, kindly paid for by the company. Want to feel like a child again? Need that fountain of youth? Elixer of Life? Learn japanese with Suzie Suzuki and The Tokyo Rose, my two teachers, they'll make you feel like a bumbling 8 year old school boy all over again.

Suzie Suzuki teaches me on Tuesdays and The Tokyo Rose on Thursdays. Clearly evil twins seperated at birth, both are old enough to have experienced the great Tokyo quake of 1923. Overly made-up, with badly dyed hair, they take pleasure in the tag-team torture of unwitting students. Obviously they have an innate hate for gaijins wanting to learn their language, making them memorise irrelevant words and phrases more suitable for use in the days of Feudal Japan then the present.

Arriving promptly at 945am, Tuesdays and Thursdays, on their broomsticks (or whatever household cleaning implement Japanese witches use), they both insist on being greeted properly. I believe I am taught to say 'All hail the might high priestess of hell' each time I see them. This follows with me having to count out my worksheets and books and lay them out in an orderly fashion, God help you if you put your vocabulary book BEFORE your work book. Next up, one hour of hellish anguish known to reduce grown men into weeping infants. The evil twins were both educated and brought up by the Kempetai, the Japanese secret police feared by all during the Second World War, trained in both physical and mental torture they are clearly frustrated that, these days, only mental torture can be applied to students.

At lesson's end, one sheet of homework and a long list of words are given, students must correctly complete their homework and memorise all the words given by the next lesson. Just as quickly as they had arrived, they leave, almost in a puff of smoke, off to torture the next student and dish out a generous helping of pain.

Perhaps their teaching methods work, because last night I dreamed in Japanese... problem was, I couldn't understand it.

So if you're feeling old, feeling like life is wasting away, give me a call. I have the perfect cure to make you feel like an 8 year old again.